I had an Air Force buddy that had an interesting arrangement with his wife. At Christmas time he would buy a present for himself and give it to her, and she would buy a present for herself and give it to him. One Christmas she got a shotgun and he got a sewing machine, and they were both very happy. I have always considered that an ingenious technique to keep you out of the gift-giving doghouse.

Since you are all probably reading this blog in between shopping online, or while you take a break from wrapping presents, I know you will appreciate my lists of gifts not to get your spouse.

A new lawnmower (even the riding type)
A new dishwasher (unless it comes with a lifetime commitment to do the dishes)
Any device for removing body hair
Exercise equipment (unless they ask for it more than five times)
P90X DVD’s (unless they ask for them more than ten times)
A book for your wife titled “Confessions of an Organized Housewife”
A book on anger management
A book titled “Become the Husband Your Wife Always Wanted”
Any apparatus used for cleaning up after others
An iron or ironing board (see note about dishwasher)
Any massage paraphernalia that they will be required to use on you
A wig or toupee
Any “regifted” gift that you received from your spouse
Gift certificates from Hooters
A one-way ticket
Any gift with the wrong name on it

Often gifts like these are loaded with subtle (or not so subtle) subliminal messages, and when the receiver of such gifts decodes the message, you may be in for some marital trouble. Feel free to add to the list and help keep us all out of the gift-giving doghouse!