Deterrence is a
state of mind brought about by the existence of a credible threat of
unacceptable counteraction. (Oxford Military Dictionary)
I was a
rambunctious and energetic boy, and consequentially, didn’t want to sit still
in church.
One Sunday a family
friend watched my mother deal with me as I became irreverent and disruptive in
church. Each time I began to get noisy, irreverent, or disruptive, she would
simply open her purse and show me something. Every time I looked inside her
purse, I settled down and behaved as I should. The family friend saw my mother
repeat this process several times during the church meeting. Curious, he
approached her at the end of the meeting and asked her what she had in the
purse. My mother smiled and opened her purse. There, on top of her wallet,
keys, and various other personal items, was a small switch from the forsythia
bush in front of our house. My mother understood deterrence in its simplest and
most effective form.
My parents were
good parents, in fact, exceptional parents considering that they raised ten
(mostly normal and functional) children. (We are all normal and functional most
of the time.) Our house had a large yellow forsythia bush right outside the
front door, and when we misbehaved, we had to march outside and pick a switch
from that bush that would then be used as the instrument of our punishment. As
one who went to the bush several times, I tried various sizes in an effort to
find the size that wouldn’t hurt. I can tell you from personal experience that
size did not matter. They all hurt.
Now you might
think such punishment harsh, but in reality they were in good company. The
Bible explains that Jesus cleansed the temple with a “scourge of small chords”
(a whip) and overturned the moneychanger’s tables. In one of the rare displays
of physicality, Christ reinforced the law with physical force and moral
momentum. By the way, He cleansed the temple a second time right before he was
crucified. It seems that Christ himself was passionate about obedience and was
not afraid to use physical restraint to extract it. My parents were in good
company.
Don’t
misunderstand me, they didn’t beat me or abuse me. I think they chose the
switch because although it stung, it didn’t do any permanent damage. It also
allowed them a bit of distance since they could punish me without striking me
with their own hands. Afterwards they would always wrap me in their arms and
let me know that they loved me. It was discipline with purpose, not just
punishment for punishment’s sake.
With my own
children, my wife and I took a slightly different route. We used restrictions
and “time outs” more often than the physical punishment. (Maybe because we
didn’t have a forsythia bush.) We set standards of behavior that we expected to
be followed. When a child chose not to follow that standard of behavior,
unfortunate consequences followed. Corporal punishment was less prevalent than
when I was raised. We also tried to discipline with purpose, not just punish
for punishment’s sake.
I will be the
first to admit that I lost it a few times and either said or did inappropriate
things that I later regretted. Unlike Christ, who remained in control of his
emotions and maintained the moral high ground as he used physical force, I
sometimes punished in the strong emotion of the moment. I don’t admit to being
guilty of abuse, but of punishing in anger instead of love, or of simply
gratifying my bruised ego instead of trying to teach. Of all my sins, those
moments of poor parenting still bring me the most pain.
I don’t know all
the facts surrounding the Adrian Peterson child abuse case (Or any of the other
cases in the media right now). I don’t know if his punishment exceeded what
would be considered reasonable. But I can imagine how difficult it must be for
both the parent and child to have their relationship judged in the court of
public opinion. It will be a tremendous wedge in their relationship for years
to come, no matter what the outcome. My heart goes out to the both the father
and the son. Ironically, Peterson lost another son (from another relationship) to
abuse at the hands of another man just a few short months ago. He is no
stranger to the results of abuse.
Parenting takes
courage. Sometimes that means the courage to discipline. Sometimes that means
the courage to swallow your pride and ego. Sometimes that means the courage to
allow your child to feel the pain of their actions as artificial or very real
consequences. Sometimes it means having the courage to show mercy and love. It
is never easy to know what type of courage is needed day to day.
Parenting also
takes a great deal of love. Sometimes that love comes in the form of patience. Sometimes
that love manifests itself as restraint. Sometimes that love is shown as much
by NOT extracting punishment as it is by punishing. Love doesn’t leave any
permanent damage, even when that love is shown through discipline.
Just as Christ
was passionate enough to use physical force in the extreme cases, He also
admonished that anyone guilty of abusing children would be better off at the
bottom of the ocean with a millstone around his neck. It seems that even He was
intolerant of domestic abuse.
I have no
permanent marks on my legs from all those forsythia switches. I hope my
children bear no permanent marks (emotional or physical) from the punishments I
meted out. I do hope, however, that the discipline they felt at home will be a
deterrent that will keep them from unruly, and rambunctious behavior as an
adult. I hope that it will deter them from illegal or immoral behavior. Without
proper discipline at home, a society will soon find itself unraveling at the
seams and plunging into utter chaos.
However, I
certainly hope that the threat of jail time, loss of income, and becoming a
pariah of society are successful deterrents to those who would abuse spouse or
children. My mother wouldn’t stand for bad behavior. We, as a society,
shouldn’t stand for it either.
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| Yellow Forsythia Bush |
